Thursday, July 21, 2011

Chronic Disease and guilt.....

Everyone at one time feels guilt. Guilt can actually be so bad that it can consume you! Living with a disease such as ankylosing spondylitis I've had feelings of guilt such as feeling as if my family is suffering because I feel bad or can't do certain things. As I sit here and type this, I'm thinking that guilt and sadness for one with a chronic disease almost go hand in hand. I don't think I have feelings of guilt as much as feelings of being sad. Sad that I can't do something.

I can separate the two as well...I feel guilty that I wasn't there for my mom when my step-father passed one week ago today. But, that guilt is not because of AS. I was where I needed to be, but at that time, I needed to be 2 people. That's guilt but not A.S related. I feel guilty that I possibly have passed on this terrible disease to my daughter--this is A.S related---and yet at the same time that makes me sad.

Gosh--guilt is hard to write on! Maybe it's so hard because it's making me sad thinking of what I might be feeling guilty for.

I feel guilt that A.S came into my marriage. My husband doesn't deserve it. My children don't deserve it. And my future grand-children don't either! I brought it to them because it's in me. I wish it would leave but looks like it's here to stay, so I will NOT let A.S have me. I will fight and fight.

I do know that those of us with a chronic disease do feel guilt/sad when we're not able to do all that we want to do. We wish that everyone would understand, but we know that you can't unless you're in our body--but yet, we'd NEVER wish you experience what we LIVE through daily.

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